The thrills, dangers of s*x: A family affair!

  

By Yetunde Arebi

Sex is pleasurable. Sex is good for the mind and body. Studies have revealed that it can do wonders for the body as well as even promote longevity. Men and women who have discovered the secret codes to maximising the thrills and pleasures of sex swear it is comparable to no other known pleasures to mankind. King of Juju music, Sunny Ade, described sexual pleasure as a sweet and delicious sensation felt in the body and not by the taste buds in the mouth.


The sweetness and satisfaction derivable from sex often causes some to become addicted to it like opium or any other addictive drug, thus they become helpless to their desires turned needs. Indeed, sex can be overwhelmingly powerful, such that if not well managed can destroy lives and peaceful coexistence. For some individuals, the desire for sex have been so potent, sometimes forcing them to take drastic and anti social decisions to satisfy their insatiable thirst. Examples abound all around us.

In the case of Pauline, no one could have guessed that most of the stories she told to family and friends about her decision to relocate from the UK to the USA was nothing but lies. Lies she had to fabricate to cover up her abominable actions. For those actions contributed immensely to the final disintegration of a marriage and family. Revelations from her estranged daughter also pointed accusing fingers at her for the sudden demise of her husband. One can only imagine the effects on the family at large and the price she had to pay for the choices she made, but, life must go on. If Pauline feels any remorse for her actions, no one knows.

Like many seeking greener pastures away from the shores of Nigeria, Pauline, along with her daughter who was less than 10 years old at the time, relocated to the UK. Everyone had assumed that settling down in the UK would not pose any problems for them, as her brother-in-law on whose invitation they were going was already a citizen and lived with his Jamaican wife and their young daughter of a similar age as hers. The children could go to school and return together, while Pauline tried to perfect their papers and settle in. Her husband had a very good job back here in Nigeria, leaving it for the uncertainties of a dream was not an option for him. He would just have to manage himself without his wife.

According to the gist, for a long time, all was well between the two families, or better still, between the two women. But eventually, stories began filtering in that things had fallen apart between them. Very few were surprised. Being a Jamaican and not used to having a large number of people around her, everyone knew it was a matter of time before she got tired of her guests. The strange stories one had heard about the poor hospitality culture, even among siblings abroad was demoralising and had also prepared one’s mind for such development.

Pauline was quick to provide reasons for their differences. The lady did not like her and her daughter; she did not want her husband to assist them, the Jamaican wanted to start using her and her daughter as local house helps, forgetting that they were family and even mates by African tradition. Pauline said since she did not have working or residency papers at the time, she was dependent on them and the lady did not like the fact that her husband was footing their bills. Even though the money was not coming directly from her purse, she insisted that it was affecting their finances.

For Pauline, all these were the cause of the rift between them. Thus, with the assistance of her own cousins, papers were arranged for her and her daughter and they crossed over to the USA. It was like a dream come true and they quickly settled down and blended into the system. The brother-in-law from England was one of their regular visitors, which surprisingly was unacceptable to the daughter. The relationship between uncle and niece had become so strained that anytime he came around, the young girl would leave home to stay with family or friends for the duration the visit lasted.

It was during one of those visits that the girl, unable to keep the secret to herself any longer confided in her mother’s cousin that her uncle and mother were lovers. She said this was the real cause of the problem between her mother and her uncle’s wife, rather than all those funny stories her mother told people. She said this was also the reason for the disaffection between herself and her mother who had never bothered to keep her promises to her that she would end the relationship. It was a shocking revelation as no one ever imagined such a thing could be going on.

According to a family member, she had thought that the uncle had done something inappropriate to the niece, rather than an affair with the mother. The young girl, who was now well into her late teenage years broke down in tears as she narrated all the sordid details of the unwholesome relationship between her mother and her father’s older brother. According to the gist, Pauline, from childhood had always been a bit of a crazy girl, embracing and exploring her sexuality long before many other young girls of her age group in the family. She was pretty and so could have almost any man she desired and she’d had a fair number of them before and even after her marriage too.

However, the idea of adding her brother-in-law to the list was alarming. But it did shed more light on the whole drama as the Jamaican had by then, moved out of her matrimonial home and they were in the process of a divorce. Did the father know about this? She said she was not sure but had heard the Jamaican shouting once that she would report them to him. That was a few years before. If she did or not, she could not tell as she has not seen any convincing sign from her father that he knew of what was going on.

However, she had decided she was going to tell him everything now that she had broken her silence. Pauline on confrontation by her cousins simply said she had her reasons. She said she was blackmailed by her brother-in-law into the relationship because he threatened to withdraw his financial support from them as well as kick her out of the house, if she did not accept his advances. Why did she not inform her husband of his brother’s threats? She was determined not to return to Nigeria at all cost. What of his wife, the Jamaican? Pauline also insisted that she did not want to destroy their marriage and at the same time, her daughter’s welfare was paramount on her scale of priorities.

Meaning that sex with her brother-in-law was a small price to pay for everything? Again, another good point! Fine with me, but why did they continue to carry on when those conditions were no longer tenable? If he was forcing her while she lived under his roof in the UK, was he also forcing her now that she lives in the USA and with papers intact?

It was an opportunity for many of her cousins to admonish her for this as well as her other escapades. Her daughter was advised to sheath her sword as her mother had promised to end the relationship. But the damage had already been done between them, and on her father’s visit that summer, she told him all the sordid details. He died during his sleep a few days after his arrival.

The daughter confirmed that he knew all along but did not want her to ever find out! Was he a fool for love or plain stupid? Perhaps, he also had some skeletons of his own, surely, there is more to this story than what we know, the way I see it. However, whatever might be the reasons for Pauline and her in-law’s affair, I am of the opinion that proximity also had a role to play in it at the initial stage. I do not approve of communal living of any kind, if it can be helped.

A situation where more than one couple live together under one roof, or several adults of both sexes live under one roof is capable of encouraging unwholesome sexual relationships. Many spouses who were forced to leave their partners behind in those early days of relocation to Abuja, especially by Civil Servants, will readily share their tales of hostile takeovers by other stranded partners with anyone who cares to listen. Many married men and women were forced to share communal accommodation with other people’s spouses, leading to many stories of infidelity, separations and outright divorce cases.

The one room apartment, popularly referred to as “Face-me-I-face-you” is another easily accessible platform for sexual promiscuity. Long time ago, a friend once told me about his escapades with a married woman who lived in the block next to his. Their windows were directly opposite each other and so close that one could stretch a hand across the rooms. He was single at the time but was seriously sexually active. He only had to climb across the windows once the husband left for work.

Even if Pauline had a record of promiscuous relationships, her brother-in-law may not be a bad man, but a victim of circumstance. Temptation comes in various forms and not everyone has the will and tenacity to deal with it. Being in close proximity with a full grown, hot blooded woman; seeing her go in and out of the bathroom either in a bathrobe, towel or loose wrapper at least once or twice a day might prove too much for him to manage, no matter the relationship between them. His imagination is bound to run wild once a while even if his Jamaican wife were to be Miss World. Same for Pauline who might also be trapped in a dilemma of her own arising from the arrangement too.

There is no way she wouldn’t develop some feelings if she constantly had to view some form of pornography or another every day, stemming from intimacy between the host couple, after all,body no be wood. The fact that she cannot carry on with another man in the full glare of her in-law will also count for something. So, perhaps under this circumstance, it was better to keep it in the family.

 Hmmm!! Do have a wonderful weekend!